Well, we are finally back in Nevada City after an amazing adventure.
The drive home from Baja California was very conflicting for me. I was happy to be going back to a place where everyone spoke my language, where I could do my laundry properly and sleep in my comfy bed, in my comfy warm cabin, but I also didn’t want to leave! Crossing the border I felt panicked: Ah! No! I can’t believe it’s over! We’re already going back!? I found myself wanting to forever be surrounded by the generous, comforting, openhearted nature of the Mexican culture. America seemed so scary, dull and grey; the dry dead land filled with concrete buildings, the guards with their big guns held closely to their body, like a child. It all seemed backwards. Driving over the actual “border” and watching the line clearly marked on the road, looking at the plaque dividing Mexico and the United States, I wanted to run to the back of the van and get as far away from that division as I could, but I was already the furthest back in the van I could be and I just had to accept it.
Why was I so anxious about entering America? That’s saying something. There is so much wrong about this country and the world, why aren’t we confronting and admitting it? Maybe a lot of us are. I understand that in order to change how society has been living and evolving, it takes time, then slowly consciousness shifts and we rise up for the better.
We’re on the tipping point. Everyone can see what should become, what should change, but for some reason we continue our lives as if someone else will fix all the problems. It doesn’t work that way, we’re all in this together! We all need to participate and support greater causes. I’m probably preaching to the choir here, and hopefully we all have these same thoughts, but is a thought worth anything without an action?
I learned so much in Mexico; too much to even try and measure. From the people, the culture, and the Spanish language, but also a lot about the world as a whole. That is what I am working on absorbing and knowing what to do with. A personal goal I have been working on for years is how to be able to accurately portray how I feel about something and or someone, and share my appreciation in a full way–with more than two gracious words. This is something that I have been struggling with and growing from lately. I am so unsure about how I can appreciate those around me fully and share that with them. For the past few days part of our discussions, thoughts, and time has been on thank you letters and how we can thank the people that gave us so much while we were in Mexico. I have put a lot of thought into it, and in thinking about that I have started seriously contemplating how I can do that for Tom and Deb. They deserve it, and it is a vital part of the learning process for me. Being aware is a baby step, appreciating (and being able to accurately convey that) is the stretch of a lung in order to reach a point of true learning. In this instance I need to be able to state my appreciation in order to understand and be able to get close to learning fully. How I can share with them how much I truly appreciate what they are doing, how it is changing me, and how they are living along side me. What they do blows my mind. Not because it is so cool, unique, special, generous, brave, hard, full of joy, or any one thing: because it is all of those things, and so much more. Everything from the beauty we are surrounded by endlessly to the hardship that we see in the world, they are there to walk with us and share the knowledge that they hold. What can we do? What do I do? Am I being selfish if I only figure out what I want? Should I do something more than just what I want? How can I, as an individual, help participate in the big changes that need to for this world to be as full and loving as it should be? Wow! SO many questions and thoughts have been running around the labyrinth that is inside me. SO many of the sparks that started my mind thinking, questioning, and rethinking, were from something that Tom or Deb said and it did out of love. They love so much, and because they love so strongly (and they are none of our parents) they are in a position where they can step back and notice our struggles and let us struggle and see our glowing faces of satisfaction and self pride when we go inside the challenge and learn from it.
Our time in Mexico came to an end and the transitions that we faced when we returned to Nevada City were not easy. They were and continue to be a growing experience for each of us, a place where it felt ok to hurt in order to grow and love. I, for one, am very confused and unsure about the world. What it means to me, and what I should be doing in it. One of the things I am clearest about is how grateful I am every single day. Learning is everywhere. I knew that before I came, but now I am living and loving that in a different more real way.
Spring break is almost here: another transition and another start to another routine. Ironically, continuous change is becoming a routine for us. It keeps us strong, on our toes, and excited. I don’t know about the others but I am really looking forward to break while at the same time I do not want to leave this space and the feeling of what we have created and continue to strengthen everyday. I am already looking forward to the last day of spring break knowing that I will be returning to Nevada City and the new loving community that I have created there. Once we get back we are going to hit the ground running: preparing for what comes next!
We are coming to a close of this cycle of ourjourney. I am sad to see the faces that I have grown so tender with, leave my sight. But I am happy and trustful that they will continue on without us. Everything about this cycle of Finding the Good seems complete to me. It’s all coming full circle, and this makes me excited; excited to see what’s to come and what is yet to be born out of the new cycle. Going home is a guarantee of the end of what has just happened, but its ending is not a removal of me from it. It is both I and the journey that end, and we are reborn into the next stage. I face the mistakes and triumphs in it and embrace them with my heart and my mind. Like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes of our own demise that was the only solid consequence of us even beginning the journey. The end is not the end, but only the beginning of something new.